I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
