Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
