she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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