Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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