dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
