My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
