I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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