my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
