I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize