she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
