OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
