Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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