You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
