I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
