Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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