Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
