you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
