He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
