but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
