I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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