I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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