I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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