i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
