I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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