It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
