Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
