Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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