I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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