She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
