Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
