It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
