Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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