i'm signing you up for texting rehab
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
not ubering you a puppy
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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