Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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