If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish you could order shots online.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize