how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
