laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
