I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
