great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
