my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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