How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
