a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
