I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
