I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
