jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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