one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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