You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
