I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize