My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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