I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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