i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
