I think i peed on brittanys purse
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
