Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
