Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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