I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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