i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
