someone get that fucking seahorse.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
