Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
