Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
