i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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