I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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