So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
