I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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