You can't motorboat a personality
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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